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After that i slept, was supposed to go MidValley to jaga kaunter keahlian Puteri but didnt go; canx last minute, sakit perut. For nighty plans, there was two, to watch Quantum or go to Sidi’s house. Of course i chose Daniel Craig over Sidi; i mean, who can resist those blue eyes (and the fact that Rizal queue up for hours for those tickets?) Sorry darling… So the movie was okay la… Intense actions and little sex. Just the way i like it (pfffth! rolling eyes). Finish with that i was like on my way back la, called Sidi to ask, “Is it too late for me to come?” it was aroung 11.30ish pm And he said, yeah. Ayam dah habis. Laksa je ada. And takde orang pun selain the guys yang masih lepas kat umah dia. So… takkan la i nak datang gak… So tak jadi la. Instead i g minum dgn rizal and our two akak.

Sunday came, i did some clothes washing. Supposed to do tutoring for three hrs but canx last minute cos coincidently that i invite a friend to go ice-skating (he promised!) and he agreed! Yeah… was so excited about it. And it was so much fun! i fell like 4 times on my butt. But it was really great. Did skate for like 1 and a half hours. Would love to try out again any time sooner. This time nak ajak Sidi plak. He promised me too!!!

Balik, balik je dah lambat. Ada gak orang call ajak dinner. Pergi la kejap teman kawan, dengar dia luahkan perasaan. One thing i learn is that to appreciate the little friends i have cos most of them are either getting married or soon to be.

Balik umah, exausted, watch ANTM 10pm, mandi, sleep. Msg good night to Sidi. He replied, “Awal giler tido… Night…” Sigh~

Why do i chose this title? Tetiba je. Masa tengok title and decide apa nak write about, terkeluar idea. Its always been this way for me.

Why kebenaran akan diketahui juga? Sebab i believe it will. No matter what happens in the end, i will know the truth. if i wont like it. Whether it will make me sad, or whether it will crush me beyond reasons and i will embarass myself in the end.

No worry. I will still be alive. The difference is that others will know i have made an error in judgement. I followed my feelings too much? Or maybe not. Maybe i just stupidly keep it inside. Or maybe its not my fault in the first place. Yeah…

Well, am off to PD this Saturday. I need the beach, sand, wind etc. And probably go to Genting as well to have fun. Endless possibilities in the next one and a half month before the year ends! ;-p

Aquarius horoscope for today! ~ It’s all about pairs for you; group situations are fun, but they’re not for you.

In a way, it is the truth for me. I am much more confortable (note) in pairs or in a small group. Big groups? I’ll just sink!

Well, that a bit of exaggeration there cos i can fondly remembered my USM days at a biatch where i wasn’t timid nor quiet. In fact i was rather outspoken and blunt. No wonder the girls in my class secretly hates me! Haha… No la, just joking… Nope (serious), its true… Even my best friends have a love-hate relationship with me… (wink* wink*; I’m all smiley here!)

When i think back, its true that i always went out with A guy/girl (Khalid, Rizal, Hafiz, Anwar, Sidi, Fakhrul, Achik, did i left anyone out?). I seldom went out with guys, or girls. Only when im with my colleagues, then yes with big group. Or else im pretty much comfortable getting all the attention. And yes, i think i know why. As Khalid used to say, I’m a person that likes the attention to focus solely on me. Me! Aannnndd…. me!

Well, there’s nothing wrong with it. Whether a person likes to be alone or in a big group, that’s you and your personal F-ing taste… Cheers!

“One of the worst things a guy can do to a girl is make her feel special when he doesn’t really feel that way.”

- My colleagues are always the one to put me down & realise that i have to be careful. Thanks you guys!

What did i do last weekend? Umm.. First on Sat, i went to Khalid’s wedding. It was nice. Went with Aida. Met a few PTD’s in my batch. Get to see Khalid Nordin, Azmi Khalid and Normala. Am happy with Khalid and Nadiya. Am glad to see Rizal too. Other friends that we hang out together with, din, eisya, kak lela, all the akak’s. The food was great too. A lot of variety. Took some picts too. Tengah tunggu Aida upload je.

After that i slept, was supposed to go MidValley to jaga kaunter keahlian Puteri but didnt go; canx last minute, sakit perut. For nighty plans, there was two, to watch Quantum or go to Sidi’s house. Of course i chose Daniel Craig over Sidi; i mean, who can resist those blue eyes (and the fact that Rizal queue up for hours for those tickets?) Sorry darling… So the movie was okay la… Intense actions and little sex. Just the way i like it (pfffth! rolling eyes). Finish with that i was like on my way back la, called Sidi to ask, “Is it too late for me to come?” it was aroung 11.30ish pm And he said, yeah. Ayam dah habis. Laksa je ada. And takde orang pun selain the guys yang masih lepas kat umah dia. So… takkan la i nak datang gak… So tak jadi la. Instead i g minum dgn rizal and our two akak.

Sunday came, i did some clothes washing. Supposed to do tutoring for three hrs but canx last minute cos coincidently that i invite a friend to go ice-skating (he promised!) and he agreed! Yeah… was so excited about it. And it was so much fun! i fell like 4 times on my butt. But it was really great. Did skate for like 1 and a half hours. Would love to try out again any time sooner. This time nak ajak Sidi plak. He promised me too!!!

Balik, balik je dah lambat. Ada gak orang call ajak dinner. Pergi la kejap teman kawan, dengar dia luahkan perasaan. One thing i learn is that to appreciate the little friends i have cos most of them are either getting married or soon to be.

Balik umah, exausted, watch ANTM 10pm, mandi, sleep. Msg good night to Sidi. He replied, “Awal giler tido… Night…” Sigh~

Tajuk artikel-artikel Pelita Bahasa pada bulan November 2008 amat menarik perhatian saya untuk memberikan pandangan serta berkongsi pengalaman dalam memperkasakan Bahasa Melayu. Semangat kecintaan itu melonjak apabila membaca ruangan Nota Editor nukilan Saudara Editor berkenaan masa depan Bahasa Melayu.

Tidak dapat dinafikan bahawa bahasa ibunda kita sedang menghadapi cabaran yang menggunung tingginya dalam usaha mengekalkan ‘kelangsungan hidup’. Tidak cukup cabaran dengan kemasukan Bahasa Inggeris yang pada mulanya perlahan ke dalam hati masyarakat kita, mentality ahli masyarakat modenisme itu sendiri menjadi musuh utama. Adakah hal ini berlaku kerana ketidakcintaan semata-mata kepada bahasa sendiri? Atau adakah pendidikan celupan Barat yang disogokkan ke dalam minda generasi muda mempengaruhi? Bolehkah globalisasi disalahkan semata-mata? Atau adakah realitinya kelemahan kita sendiri yang menyumbang kepada kealpaan?

Globalisasi boleh dikatakan salah satu penyumbang kepada kehilangan jati diri Bahasa Melayu dalam diri. Hal ini kerana kita perlu mendapatkan pengetahuan dengan memahami Bahasa Inggeris. Dan untuk memahaminya, kita perlu belajar.

Sikap masyarakat kita yang mudah menerima tanpa menapis juga menyumbang kepada isu ini. Kita didedahkan dengan propaganda yang menyatakan bahawa Bahasa Inggeris bahasa dunia maka siapa yang mengusainya dikatakan sebagai moden, terkini, bijak, bersifat antarabangsa dan sebagainya. Walhal telah kita ketahui bahawa Perancis dan Jepun, antara negara yang mengekalkan penggunaan bahasa ibunda mereka merupakan salah sebuah negara maju standing dengan negara-negara Barat lain.

 Teringat saya akan pengalaman mengajar bahasa kepada salah seorang pelajar Darjah Lima. Saya sedang cuma untuk menggalakkan pelajar ini supaya rajin membaca buku cerita dan majalah supaya mendapat keputusan yang baik dalam subjek bahasa. Saya galakkan pelajar ini supaya meminta ibu bapanya membeli sekurang-kurangnya sebuah majalah (Dewan Pelajar) dan sebuah buku cerita. Namun pelajar ini menjawab bahawa ibu bapanya tidak mempedulikan tentang perkara ini. Malah ayahnya pernah memberitahunya bahawa, “Belajar bahasa tidak boleh buat duit.”

 Alangkah sedihnya saya mendengar kata-katanya. Tidaklah saya memarahinya kerana bukan salah pelajar sayapun. Namun ibu bapanya sendiri yang mempengaruhinya untuk tidak mementingkan aspek kebahasaan dalam peperiksaan sebaliknya menumpukan kepada mendapat keputusan yang baik dalam subjek bahasa Inggeris, Sains dan Matematik semata.

 Perlahan-lahan saya menggalakkan dia untuk membaca dengan memberi majalah Dewan Pelajar dan buku-buku cerita setiap bulan untuk dibaca. Semuanya diberikan dengan ikhlas untuk menimbulkan minat membaca dalam diri pelajar ini. Alhamdulillah, telah nampak kesan positif dalam masa dua bulan ini. Namun sayapun tidak mampu untuk terus menerus memberikan bahan bacaan secara percuma, maka saya galakkan dia untuk mengumpul duit dan membeli sendiri.

 Diharap agar dalam diri kita yang mengakui terdapat rasa sayang terhadap bahasa Melayu agar berbuat sesuatu mengenainya. Sumbangan yang mudah boleh kita lakukan dengan anak-anak kita, rakan-rakan kita, mereka di sekeliling kita. Kita boleh mulakan dengan memberikan hadiah buku dan bukannya barang elektik atau alat mainan. Kita boleh mulakan dengan meminjamkan buku-buku. Kita boleh mulakan dengan membeli bahan bacaan setiap bulan. Kita juga boleh mulakan dengan bermain permainan bersifat kebahasaan seperti Sahibba.

Semuanya bermula dengan diri sendiri.

I am on the verge of breaking down.

Here’s what i want to say to you.

It started before raya. You remember two days before raya? Where we went and bought carpet together at the factory? It was one of the moments that i cherish. Why? Cos its only the two of us. It was really brief as we went there separately, but that 30 mins was all i need to lepaskan rasa rindu.

Then i didnt see u. For two weeks, almost. You mother fell from the stairs the next day, morning. So you were busy with handling your family. You called me nonetheless in the evening to inform me about it. I was crush for you of you family endearments. But i also love the fact that you called me to share what you felt. I felt special that time.

Raya came. You never replied my msg or calls. I was shocked, wondering what is happening over there. I can guess that you will be busy handling  you family and everything but i never thought i will lost contact at all. Not even one msg to say ‘i will not be able to replied to you for the time being.’ If you were to msg me that, id understand. But you never did.

After raya, i tried to lift my spirit up and think positive. You took a long break after raya, which was understandable at that time. But i was not able to see you far longer that i expected. Luckily i was busy handling my new posts so the lesser time i am thinking of you, the better it is, mentally and emotionally for me.

I tried, its not that i didnt, to meet you, call, msg etc… just to get in touch with you. But you are one strong willed guy arent you? I tried to be understandable by ignoring all you have done because you were worried about your family. So, there, i just let it go.

A colleague’s wedding came a week after raya holiday. I wanted, think about going with you, even if its not just with the two of us, im okay with it. As long as i can spend some time with you. But it didnt happen. Instead i went with someone else, cos i dont want to go alone at night to a nearby state, and second, someone asked me to go along. So, why not? I tell myself.

The bombshell dropped as i see you along with a few friends at the wedding. I think that if im not emotionally unstable at that time, id be fine. But it happen at the wrong time for me, so my mind just went blank when i saw you. I thought you didnt go. I dont know why i was so disappointed and sad at that time, but i just did.

Tried vainly to control my overpouring emotions at that time, but i lost it. So i cried, piteously, in the bathroom for quite some time. I had my final straw after holding my emotions for a a couple of weeks. It was a terrible night for me. I tried my hardest to go through the night as calmly as i could, but i think to no avail. A friend, or two, confessed that they noticed something is wrong with me.

You know the lightheaded feeling? Like anytime you’d faint and you mind go blank. I had it after that. The day after. I woke up feeling a bit calmer after spending the whole night/morning crying like hell. But my tales wasnt about to end and i received msgs from a friend that really makes my heart feel like it is being twisted my needles slowly. I keep wondering at that time what did i do wrong.

When i finally i didnt know what else to do, i prayed. Very hard. It was after Maghrib prayers. You know what, right after i open my telekung, i received a phone call that clears the misunderstanding that happens earlier. I thanked God for listening to my wish and clears it off quickly. At least one problem is solved. I’d like to think that things started to get better after that.

But until now, its unlike our previous relationships. Its like you have changed. I think i know the reasons. Things went on as usual with us but only on the surface. I feel like go to you and asked you many things, just to clear up my thoughts, to know what you are thinking, what actually happened. But i never have the guts to do so. Oh i can be brave at the unimportant things; but when it comes to you, i just lost all my strength.

You confessed a few days after the wedding that you deliberately didnt tell me that you’re going too cos u want me to spend some ‘quality’ time with a friend. Okay, i can understand that. But i also realise that by doing it, you are pushing me away from you. Its like you dont want me. Its like i am a nobody to you that you can just make up some plan to get rid of me. Am i a nuisance? I tried very hard to be the one that you want. Am i not enough?

Maybe i am wrong in trying to change a bit about myself. But relationships were supposed to be about compromise. If you didnt compromise, that you’d have the shortest relationships in history. Wanting others to accept you meaning you have to accept the other person. And its not like i changed a lot. I am still me, you cant force me to like watching football with you! But i dont mind accompanying you watching it while i filled my time reading, like i did when you and your friends were lepaking at a restaurant to watch football.

Ahh, there is so many things i want to say to you. But i didnt. It funny how people around me commenting about me and you, some are positive, others are not. I dont mind, really. i accept them both. Funny in a way that i never really say anything about it ya. I just keep everything bottled up inside cos, i dont know, i feel that its just between you and me and i dont want others to know. Some may know something but not the whole thing. I never told anyone the whole thing. Some things i kept inside cos its so special sometimes, that its just have to be kept between us.

Oh, im glad that your mother liked the book i gave her. It was a coincidence. The gift i mean. I didnt plan it. It just happen. I bought more book than i bargain for. So why not share the book with someone who needs it? And i know she likes to read cos you’ve msg me the very first day of her fall that you were bringing books for her to read at the hospital. I didnt plan to use her to get to you. That’s dirty. I dont play games. Maybe you are (as you’ve confessed) but i dont. My heart is to fragile to withtand any setdowns from you.

The first time we went out together for a futsal game, i looked at you differently than previous times. its like you’re a different person. Its like i cant trust you, its like i dont know you, its like i am afraid of you. But weirdly enough, i cant get rid of the feelings i have for you. Stupid huh?!

No matter how hard i tried to resist this feeling, its just there. I wonder whether its meant to be. But while waiting for the answers to reveal itself, i am still in wonder.

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.”

This above was taken from sidi’s friends’ page.

I heard of it before just never really understands it until just recently. When i am feeling it too. When this happen to me. Then i understand the relevance.

Today was a fulfilling day as well. Except no tutor at night. I am waiting to do my Maghrib prayers. Have no plans for tonight except continue reading Haruki Murakami’s Blind Willow Sleeping Woman (the correct title) and maybe watch tv.

Am worried a bit about money problem tho. I dont know how am i to resolve this. Although i know rezeki ada, but i cant just things just as it is. I have to do something. I have to make money.

But how? Ive tried to do some writing (this is where niat menulis bertukar untuk duit semata) but to no avail. My tutor is not bringing in a lot of money either. Enough la to eat or car oil for a week or so. I want to do some typing work; which my mom is currently doing, but since i am so busy, i dont have the energy to continue working after work except getting the tutorials done. I mean, my mom pun nak cari duit lebih jugak. i guess id better continue writing something and get it sent and published. I cant sell any of my comics or books anymore as all thats left are my faves; that are too cherished to be sold.

Well, maybe not. Maybe i can sold some novels.

Coming back to Haruki Murakami’s short stories; there’s another three that i have read last night. The one titled The Mirror was a rather scary one for me. Where images of yourself is more frightening than anything when in the dark. I have chills reading it. Whereas A Folklore for My Generation is about friends of the author who were known as Mister and Miss Clean. Clean as in perfect. But weirdly enough (or not) there’s something wrong with them. And weirdly, the story entitled Airplane is about a guy who slept with a married woman, unconsciously recite a poem-like (talking to himself) about airplane. But the thing is these stories, although how baffling they are to me, is interesting that i cant put it down (or close it shut) even as i am sleepy and all i want to do is close my eyes and rest. Even now, i have this desire and urgency to pick the book up and start (continue) reading.

Today was not bad. I manage to talked to him twice. Oh no, three. Its all good. But i havent seen him all day. Even though we are in the same office. That’s the way it is now.

Today’s Horoscope: You’ll form a compromise in a group situation today, and your reputation will glow.

Wah, so nice, the predictions for today i mean.

I was busy these two days. Slept after berbuka puasa last night until the next morning. Ahh…

Today, i survived. Maybe. Cos i havent seen my boss until now. Busy with meeting one whole day. Am waiting in the office for him to pass through. Its dark in the admin side.

i went out with 4 friends this weekend; Anwar, Hafiz, Fu and then Khalid. Wah so nice. Hanging out and talk, i mean. But of course, its just to fill the empty place in my heart (aduh jiwangnya)!. But its true. And damn i dont care who read this post and what their comments are. I want to write and pour my heart out and cry. (well, maybe not the last one)

I miss him. A lot. 3 weeks, four if you count this week. Everything is not the same anymore. It started since the last day of puasa until now. Its not the same anymore. And i dont know what to do. I can act tough all i want; but i am still perempuan. Gosh i hate to admit this. But berapa lama?

I dont know whether the changes because of his mom’s condition, his act of kindness towards his particular friend, his rimas-ness of being ‘tied up’ (or so he claimed) or of me being transfered to admin and we are not in the same unit or of he changed his room to another wing. Maybe all five. Or maybe its just fate that is supposed to happen.

Oh boy do i learn to be tough and patient. Very patient. Am i giving up? I dont think so. I think i just am busy and tired and taking the ‘taking things slowly, wait and see’approach.

Oh yeah, i bought 4 new books these past few days! Yea… The first is chedet.com: Blogging to Unblock by Dr. M. Hmm, one of my idol! tried to read a few but since am so damn busy, i managed a few.

The next was Haruki Murakami’s Blind Woman, Sleeping Willow i think. But ada the blind word and the willow word, defenitely. Its a compilation of 24 short stories that’s really amazing; cos i cant think of why he wrote it in the first place. Its really ironic; as thw first two stories i read are simple, basic daily life events that has a weird ending. I find myself asking ‘What’s the purpose of this story? Is there a hidden message around it? What is it?’ I started to feel that im kinda stupid if i cant figure out what is the the girl’s birthday wish in story no 2 which i read last night before i slept.

But i started to understand why my BATI friends read his books. Its really, really interesting.

Well.. well.. I kinda stuck!

I have a few options on what i can do during this weekend. Its important cos i have decided to lay back and feel the sun on my face (translate as: i want to rest, have fun, forget about current life, be someone else, do crazy stuff etc).

At first i wanted to go to Penang, but with limited fundings left to last till Monday, i have to decline Kak Aisy’s invitation to accompany me to do a lot of craziee stuff! I will do so around mid-Nov kak Aisy.

Next plan is to go to the beach. I thought of just sit on the beach and laze around, day dream, maybe do a bit of swimming, jet skiing, snorkelling, etc. But that also involves money. So…

Talking about money, i have some, to do the above activities. But something came up, my unit (note: MY UNIT); admin, planned to do some makan-makan, so everyone is expected to contribute something. So i bought like cakes. And i also (cant resist) to buy a book of Mahathirs’. So which left me enough money to last for oil and eating. And nothing (well maybe RM10-20) for pleasure.

Come to think of it, i know what activity i can do to cheer me up. Praying. I did it a lot these past months; and i come to depend on it these few days. i believe in it, i suppose. Yeah, i can do that! And maybe i will buy a romance novel so that it can bring me away from my current life and i can dream.