Nov
5
Things That I Want to Say to You
November 5, 2008 | Tagged Mr. Sawit Tree |
I am on the verge of breaking down.
Here’s what i want to say to you.
It started before raya. You remember two days before raya? Where we went and bought carpet together at the factory? It was one of the moments that i cherish. Why? Cos its only the two of us. It was really brief as we went there separately, but that 30 mins was all i need to lepaskan rasa rindu.
Then i didnt see u. For two weeks, almost. You mother fell from the stairs the next day, morning. So you were busy with handling your family. You called me nonetheless in the evening to inform me about it. I was crush for you of you family endearments. But i also love the fact that you called me to share what you felt. I felt special that time.
Raya came. You never replied my msg or calls. I was shocked, wondering what is happening over there. I can guess that you will be busy handling you family and everything but i never thought i will lost contact at all. Not even one msg to say ‘i will not be able to replied to you for the time being.’ If you were to msg me that, id understand. But you never did.
After raya, i tried to lift my spirit up and think positive. You took a long break after raya, which was understandable at that time. But i was not able to see you far longer that i expected. Luckily i was busy handling my new posts so the lesser time i am thinking of you, the better it is, mentally and emotionally for me.
I tried, its not that i didnt, to meet you, call, msg etc… just to get in touch with you. But you are one strong willed guy arent you? I tried to be understandable by ignoring all you have done because you were worried about your family. So, there, i just let it go.
A colleague’s wedding came a week after raya holiday. I wanted, think about going with you, even if its not just with the two of us, im okay with it. As long as i can spend some time with you. But it didnt happen. Instead i went with someone else, cos i dont want to go alone at night to a nearby state, and second, someone asked me to go along. So, why not? I tell myself.
The bombshell dropped as i see you along with a few friends at the wedding. I think that if im not emotionally unstable at that time, id be fine. But it happen at the wrong time for me, so my mind just went blank when i saw you. I thought you didnt go. I dont know why i was so disappointed and sad at that time, but i just did.
Tried vainly to control my overpouring emotions at that time, but i lost it. So i cried, piteously, in the bathroom for quite some time. I had my final straw after holding my emotions for a a couple of weeks. It was a terrible night for me. I tried my hardest to go through the night as calmly as i could, but i think to no avail. A friend, or two, confessed that they noticed something is wrong with me.
You know the lightheaded feeling? Like anytime you’d faint and you mind go blank. I had it after that. The day after. I woke up feeling a bit calmer after spending the whole night/morning crying like hell. But my tales wasnt about to end and i received msgs from a friend that really makes my heart feel like it is being twisted my needles slowly. I keep wondering at that time what did i do wrong.
When i finally i didnt know what else to do, i prayed. Very hard. It was after Maghrib prayers. You know what, right after i open my telekung, i received a phone call that clears the misunderstanding that happens earlier. I thanked God for listening to my wish and clears it off quickly. At least one problem is solved. I’d like to think that things started to get better after that.
But until now, its unlike our previous relationships. Its like you have changed. I think i know the reasons. Things went on as usual with us but only on the surface. I feel like go to you and asked you many things, just to clear up my thoughts, to know what you are thinking, what actually happened. But i never have the guts to do so. Oh i can be brave at the unimportant things; but when it comes to you, i just lost all my strength.
You confessed a few days after the wedding that you deliberately didnt tell me that you’re going too cos u want me to spend some ‘quality’ time with a friend. Okay, i can understand that. But i also realise that by doing it, you are pushing me away from you. Its like you dont want me. Its like i am a nobody to you that you can just make up some plan to get rid of me. Am i a nuisance? I tried very hard to be the one that you want. Am i not enough?
Maybe i am wrong in trying to change a bit about myself. But relationships were supposed to be about compromise. If you didnt compromise, that you’d have the shortest relationships in history. Wanting others to accept you meaning you have to accept the other person. And its not like i changed a lot. I am still me, you cant force me to like watching football with you! But i dont mind accompanying you watching it while i filled my time reading, like i did when you and your friends were lepaking at a restaurant to watch football.
Ahh, there is so many things i want to say to you. But i didnt. It funny how people around me commenting about me and you, some are positive, others are not. I dont mind, really. i accept them both. Funny in a way that i never really say anything about it ya. I just keep everything bottled up inside cos, i dont know, i feel that its just between you and me and i dont want others to know. Some may know something but not the whole thing. I never told anyone the whole thing. Some things i kept inside cos its so special sometimes, that its just have to be kept between us.
Oh, im glad that your mother liked the book i gave her. It was a coincidence. The gift i mean. I didnt plan it. It just happen. I bought more book than i bargain for. So why not share the book with someone who needs it? And i know she likes to read cos you’ve msg me the very first day of her fall that you were bringing books for her to read at the hospital. I didnt plan to use her to get to you. That’s dirty. I dont play games. Maybe you are (as you’ve confessed) but i dont. My heart is to fragile to withtand any setdowns from you.
The first time we went out together for a futsal game, i looked at you differently than previous times. its like you’re a different person. Its like i cant trust you, its like i dont know you, its like i am afraid of you. But weirdly enough, i cant get rid of the feelings i have for you. Stupid huh?!
No matter how hard i tried to resist this feeling, its just there. I wonder whether its meant to be. But while waiting for the answers to reveal itself, i am still in wonder.
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