Nov
20
Do I Want To?
November 20, 2008 | Tagged Mr. Sawit Tree |
I want to remain in love.
Remember previously i have told you that our feelings towards another person can be controlled? And how you claimed disbelief towards my statement?
Well, i did take charge towards a feeling i had before towards someone. And the feeling is now gone. You did not quite believe it. You still believe that the feeling is still there and you try to encourage it to bloom. I can’t hardly blame you, although i was upset that you would pull your trick to me. That’s why i wrote ‘Things I Want To Say To You’. A blatant confessions of my feelings towards all the things accumulated.
Anyway, i was thinking, if i can and did control the feeling i had towards another, it means that i can control my feelings towards you right? That i can probably crush it into tiny meenie microscope specs and i wouldnt have to suffer more under your obvious ignorance!
But you know what? I don’t want to. Cos i feel great. To be having this feeling. To be in love? Should i call it that? Or just some idiotic crush as some would claim. A feeling that would ago away and will not withstand oceanus waves etc. I want to celebrate this feeling i have for you. I want to feel. I am lucky to be able to feel. Least of all towards you. You are like, the last person i would imagine myself to fall for! Its outrageously, unthinkably, unimaginably almost impossible, possible, had happened to me.
Do you know how hard i tried to ignore, reject and pretend that it will go away, that it doesnt really exists, that all i am feeling is because i need someone, but to no avail? That it still remains and its still stuck in my heart and i am objectedly, having to lived with this feeling? Do you know how hard it is to remain as if nothing has changed when everything has changed? Or to pretend nothing has happened when its you i detect giving me ‘encouragement’ every now and then?
Your sms dated 15 Feb 2008 said: ‘Cinta mmg mcm tu.. Malu tp mahu kan, betul x?’ and the other very important: ‘Org yg mengalah ni mmg x dpt papela.. Buat keje biar habis mi.. Kalo x dpt pun puas hati.’ Do you know how i clung to the later sms to dear my dear life and believing it?
Uhh… I am pathetic. But i can’t help myself. Its an agony to be feeling this way but i am so happy. I am just.
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