I want to remain in love.

Remember previously i have told you that our feelings towards another person can be controlled? And how you claimed disbelief towards my statement?

Well, i did take charge towards a feeling i had before towards someone. And the feeling is now gone. You did not quite believe it. You still believe that the feeling is still there and you try to encourage it to bloom. I can’t hardly blame you, although i was upset that you would pull your trick to me. That’s why i wrote ‘Things I Want To Say To You’. A blatant confessions of my feelings towards all the things accumulated.

Anyway, i was thinking, if i can and did control the feeling i had towards another, it means that i can control my feelings towards you right? That i can probably crush it into tiny meenie microscope specs and i wouldnt have to suffer more under your obvious ignorance!

But you know what? I don’t want to. Cos i feel great. To be having this feeling. To be in love? Should i call it that? Or just some idiotic crush as some would claim. A feeling that would ago away and will not withstand oceanus waves etc. I want to celebrate this feeling i have for you. I want to feel. I am lucky to be able to feel. Least of all towards you. You are like, the last person i would imagine myself to fall for! Its outrageously, unthinkably, unimaginably almost impossible, possible, had happened to me.

Do  you know how hard i tried to ignore, reject and pretend that it will go away, that it doesnt really exists, that all i am feeling is because i need someone, but to no avail? That it still remains and its still stuck in my heart and i am objectedly, having to lived with this feeling? Do you know how hard it is to remain as if nothing has changed when everything has changed? Or to pretend nothing has happened when its you i detect giving me ‘encouragement’ every now and then?

Your sms dated 15 Feb 2008 said: ‘Cinta mmg mcm tu.. Malu tp mahu kan, betul x?’ and the other very important: ‘Org yg mengalah ni mmg x dpt papela.. Buat keje biar habis mi.. Kalo x dpt pun puas hati.’ Do you know how i clung to the later sms to dear my dear life and believing it?

Uhh… I am pathetic. But i can’t help myself. Its an agony to be feeling this way but i am so happy. I am just.

I went to Genting last Sat. With a friend. A dear friend. It was an impulse thing. Which coincidently my dear friend agreed too. So i am so lucky dia ada with me this month. To accompany me. To make me forget. At least for a while. To lessen the heartache. To have fun!

We TRIED a lot of things. Took the chance to tried out the activities that i have been longing to do; like archery, go-kart, wall climb (my third time), going on the roller coaster and some more challenging; hormon-pumping activities.

The memorable ones are of course, archery. Why? Ummm cos it reminds me of Sidi. And i did it bcos i want to challenge him! Hahaha… It was fun. Me, being a competitor inside quickly msg him after that saying, ‘Kalau i dah terer nanti, kita lawan.’ Terus dia balas, ‘Hoho.. Berani u cbr i, wokeh, just set the time!’ I was smiling then. I am smiling now (Pathetic! i know) but i am still smiling…

About the go-karting thing, well i am kinda disappointed. Cos the car’s like, so damn slow… I was like, waiting for the ride to be over cos its so slow. Being a (usually) fast driver, i am disappointed. But then again, my friend said that its prob they have set the car to not able to move more than a limit. At some track, the car can move faster then the one at Genting. So yeah, that makes sense. Will def tried a diff one in the future.

I also have so much fun ‘dropping’ at this one ride. You know where there’s this very, very tall large pole and the bring the seats to the top and then all of a sudden drops? Oh my whole body was being lifted from the seat when we drop. I couldnt even scream! But yeah, that was awesome. Much better then the roller coaster; its called cork screw something, and the other flying roller coaster thing. So basically, every heart pumping ride, we tried.

I wanted to tried the gondola ride but well, i thought it will be romantic but then when i look at the path, the ‘made’ path, i changed my mind. It was so unromantic. I felt like my original plan to have a romantic picnic (with him!)at the secluded spot in Palace of the Golden Horse beside the lake thing is much more romantic. I can see the spot from the office you know. I just didnt a lot of money to persuade the people at the hotel to ‘lend’ me a spot. I siap beli tikar tok duduk berdua tu… Talk about planning… Ahh (sigh dreamily) imagining myself in a beautiful, pretty, sweet dress, having a picnic with him, overlooking the lake, with the beautiful scenery around us, that’s heaven!

Well, it didnt happen! Forget about it. Wall climbing! Yes, this is my third time trying. The first was when i was Form 5 i think. Victoria’s school was doing a Hari Terbuka, i think and one of the actitives they provided was wall climb. So i tried it. Made it to the top. Was so proud of myself. I can still hear my friends cheering me up. Those are some of the sweet memories.

What else happen at Genting eh? Hmm, yeah, we talk. A lot. It was raining a few times. Reallllyyyy cold. But i am happy. Only took a picture of me there. You know me, hate taking picts of myself. Feel like im not pretty in picts; yet i know that i am in real life (perasan, i know!). But that picts, as agreed by my dear friend tu, captured what i felt that day. Yeah. Will post the pict soon. As soon as my friend e-mail me the pict lar..

It was taken in a chocolate heaven, wonderland thingy.

After that i slept, was supposed to go MidValley to jaga kaunter keahlian Puteri but didnt go; canx last minute, sakit perut. For nighty plans, there was two, to watch Quantum or go to Sidi’s house. Of course i chose Daniel Craig over Sidi; i mean, who can resist those blue eyes (and the fact that Rizal queue up for hours for those tickets?) Sorry darling… So the movie was okay la… Intense actions and little sex. Just the way i like it (pfffth! rolling eyes). Finish with that i was like on my way back la, called Sidi to ask, “Is it too late for me to come?” it was aroung 11.30ish pm And he said, yeah. Ayam dah habis. Laksa je ada. And takde orang pun selain the guys yang masih lepas kat umah dia. So… takkan la i nak datang gak… So tak jadi la. Instead i g minum dgn rizal and our two akak.

Sunday came, i did some clothes washing. Supposed to do tutoring for three hrs but canx last minute cos coincidently that i invite a friend to go ice-skating (he promised!) and he agreed! Yeah… was so excited about it. And it was so much fun! i fell like 4 times on my butt. But it was really great. Did skate for like 1 and a half hours. Would love to try out again any time sooner. This time nak ajak Sidi plak. He promised me too!!!

Balik, balik je dah lambat. Ada gak orang call ajak dinner. Pergi la kejap teman kawan, dengar dia luahkan perasaan. One thing i learn is that to appreciate the little friends i have cos most of them are either getting married or soon to be.

Balik umah, exausted, watch ANTM 10pm, mandi, sleep. Msg good night to Sidi. He replied, “Awal giler tido… Night…” Sigh~

Why do i chose this title? Tetiba je. Masa tengok title and decide apa nak write about, terkeluar idea. Its always been this way for me.

Why kebenaran akan diketahui juga? Sebab i believe it will. No matter what happens in the end, i will know the truth. if i wont like it. Whether it will make me sad, or whether it will crush me beyond reasons and i will embarass myself in the end.

No worry. I will still be alive. The difference is that others will know i have made an error in judgement. I followed my feelings too much? Or maybe not. Maybe i just stupidly keep it inside. Or maybe its not my fault in the first place. Yeah…

Well, am off to PD this Saturday. I need the beach, sand, wind etc. And probably go to Genting as well to have fun. Endless possibilities in the next one and a half month before the year ends! ;-p

Aquarius horoscope for today! ~ It’s all about pairs for you; group situations are fun, but they’re not for you.

In a way, it is the truth for me. I am much more confortable (note) in pairs or in a small group. Big groups? I’ll just sink!

Well, that a bit of exaggeration there cos i can fondly remembered my USM days at a biatch where i wasn’t timid nor quiet. In fact i was rather outspoken and blunt. No wonder the girls in my class secretly hates me! Haha… No la, just joking… Nope (serious), its true… Even my best friends have a love-hate relationship with me… (wink* wink*; I’m all smiley here!)

When i think back, its true that i always went out with A guy/girl (Khalid, Rizal, Hafiz, Anwar, Sidi, Fakhrul, Achik, did i left anyone out?). I seldom went out with guys, or girls. Only when im with my colleagues, then yes with big group. Or else im pretty much comfortable getting all the attention. And yes, i think i know why. As Khalid used to say, I’m a person that likes the attention to focus solely on me. Me! Aannnndd…. me!

Well, there’s nothing wrong with it. Whether a person likes to be alone or in a big group, that’s you and your personal F-ing taste… Cheers!

“One of the worst things a guy can do to a girl is make her feel special when he doesn’t really feel that way.”

- My colleagues are always the one to put me down & realise that i have to be careful. Thanks you guys!

What did i do last weekend? Umm.. First on Sat, i went to Khalid’s wedding. It was nice. Went with Aida. Met a few PTD’s in my batch. Get to see Khalid Nordin, Azmi Khalid and Normala. Am happy with Khalid and Nadiya. Am glad to see Rizal too. Other friends that we hang out together with, din, eisya, kak lela, all the akak’s. The food was great too. A lot of variety. Took some picts too. Tengah tunggu Aida upload je.

After that i slept, was supposed to go MidValley to jaga kaunter keahlian Puteri but didnt go; canx last minute, sakit perut. For nighty plans, there was two, to watch Quantum or go to Sidi’s house. Of course i chose Daniel Craig over Sidi; i mean, who can resist those blue eyes (and the fact that Rizal queue up for hours for those tickets?) Sorry darling… So the movie was okay la… Intense actions and little sex. Just the way i like it (pfffth! rolling eyes). Finish with that i was like on my way back la, called Sidi to ask, “Is it too late for me to come?” it was aroung 11.30ish pm And he said, yeah. Ayam dah habis. Laksa je ada. And takde orang pun selain the guys yang masih lepas kat umah dia. So… takkan la i nak datang gak… So tak jadi la. Instead i g minum dgn rizal and our two akak.

Sunday came, i did some clothes washing. Supposed to do tutoring for three hrs but canx last minute cos coincidently that i invite a friend to go ice-skating (he promised!) and he agreed! Yeah… was so excited about it. And it was so much fun! i fell like 4 times on my butt. But it was really great. Did skate for like 1 and a half hours. Would love to try out again any time sooner. This time nak ajak Sidi plak. He promised me too!!!

Balik, balik je dah lambat. Ada gak orang call ajak dinner. Pergi la kejap teman kawan, dengar dia luahkan perasaan. One thing i learn is that to appreciate the little friends i have cos most of them are either getting married or soon to be.

Balik umah, exausted, watch ANTM 10pm, mandi, sleep. Msg good night to Sidi. He replied, “Awal giler tido… Night…” Sigh~

Tajuk artikel-artikel Pelita Bahasa pada bulan November 2008 amat menarik perhatian saya untuk memberikan pandangan serta berkongsi pengalaman dalam memperkasakan Bahasa Melayu. Semangat kecintaan itu melonjak apabila membaca ruangan Nota Editor nukilan Saudara Editor berkenaan masa depan Bahasa Melayu.

Tidak dapat dinafikan bahawa bahasa ibunda kita sedang menghadapi cabaran yang menggunung tingginya dalam usaha mengekalkan ‘kelangsungan hidup’. Tidak cukup cabaran dengan kemasukan Bahasa Inggeris yang pada mulanya perlahan ke dalam hati masyarakat kita, mentality ahli masyarakat modenisme itu sendiri menjadi musuh utama. Adakah hal ini berlaku kerana ketidakcintaan semata-mata kepada bahasa sendiri? Atau adakah pendidikan celupan Barat yang disogokkan ke dalam minda generasi muda mempengaruhi? Bolehkah globalisasi disalahkan semata-mata? Atau adakah realitinya kelemahan kita sendiri yang menyumbang kepada kealpaan?

Globalisasi boleh dikatakan salah satu penyumbang kepada kehilangan jati diri Bahasa Melayu dalam diri. Hal ini kerana kita perlu mendapatkan pengetahuan dengan memahami Bahasa Inggeris. Dan untuk memahaminya, kita perlu belajar.

Sikap masyarakat kita yang mudah menerima tanpa menapis juga menyumbang kepada isu ini. Kita didedahkan dengan propaganda yang menyatakan bahawa Bahasa Inggeris bahasa dunia maka siapa yang mengusainya dikatakan sebagai moden, terkini, bijak, bersifat antarabangsa dan sebagainya. Walhal telah kita ketahui bahawa Perancis dan Jepun, antara negara yang mengekalkan penggunaan bahasa ibunda mereka merupakan salah sebuah negara maju standing dengan negara-negara Barat lain.

 Teringat saya akan pengalaman mengajar bahasa kepada salah seorang pelajar Darjah Lima. Saya sedang cuma untuk menggalakkan pelajar ini supaya rajin membaca buku cerita dan majalah supaya mendapat keputusan yang baik dalam subjek bahasa. Saya galakkan pelajar ini supaya meminta ibu bapanya membeli sekurang-kurangnya sebuah majalah (Dewan Pelajar) dan sebuah buku cerita. Namun pelajar ini menjawab bahawa ibu bapanya tidak mempedulikan tentang perkara ini. Malah ayahnya pernah memberitahunya bahawa, “Belajar bahasa tidak boleh buat duit.”

 Alangkah sedihnya saya mendengar kata-katanya. Tidaklah saya memarahinya kerana bukan salah pelajar sayapun. Namun ibu bapanya sendiri yang mempengaruhinya untuk tidak mementingkan aspek kebahasaan dalam peperiksaan sebaliknya menumpukan kepada mendapat keputusan yang baik dalam subjek bahasa Inggeris, Sains dan Matematik semata.

 Perlahan-lahan saya menggalakkan dia untuk membaca dengan memberi majalah Dewan Pelajar dan buku-buku cerita setiap bulan untuk dibaca. Semuanya diberikan dengan ikhlas untuk menimbulkan minat membaca dalam diri pelajar ini. Alhamdulillah, telah nampak kesan positif dalam masa dua bulan ini. Namun sayapun tidak mampu untuk terus menerus memberikan bahan bacaan secara percuma, maka saya galakkan dia untuk mengumpul duit dan membeli sendiri.

 Diharap agar dalam diri kita yang mengakui terdapat rasa sayang terhadap bahasa Melayu agar berbuat sesuatu mengenainya. Sumbangan yang mudah boleh kita lakukan dengan anak-anak kita, rakan-rakan kita, mereka di sekeliling kita. Kita boleh mulakan dengan memberikan hadiah buku dan bukannya barang elektik atau alat mainan. Kita boleh mulakan dengan meminjamkan buku-buku. Kita boleh mulakan dengan membeli bahan bacaan setiap bulan. Kita juga boleh mulakan dengan bermain permainan bersifat kebahasaan seperti Sahibba.

Semuanya bermula dengan diri sendiri.

I am on the verge of breaking down.

Here’s what i want to say to you.

It started before raya. You remember two days before raya? Where we went and bought carpet together at the factory? It was one of the moments that i cherish. Why? Cos its only the two of us. It was really brief as we went there separately, but that 30 mins was all i need to lepaskan rasa rindu.

Then i didnt see u. For two weeks, almost. You mother fell from the stairs the next day, morning. So you were busy with handling your family. You called me nonetheless in the evening to inform me about it. I was crush for you of you family endearments. But i also love the fact that you called me to share what you felt. I felt special that time.

Raya came. You never replied my msg or calls. I was shocked, wondering what is happening over there. I can guess that you will be busy handling  you family and everything but i never thought i will lost contact at all. Not even one msg to say ‘i will not be able to replied to you for the time being.’ If you were to msg me that, id understand. But you never did.

After raya, i tried to lift my spirit up and think positive. You took a long break after raya, which was understandable at that time. But i was not able to see you far longer that i expected. Luckily i was busy handling my new posts so the lesser time i am thinking of you, the better it is, mentally and emotionally for me.

I tried, its not that i didnt, to meet you, call, msg etc… just to get in touch with you. But you are one strong willed guy arent you? I tried to be understandable by ignoring all you have done because you were worried about your family. So, there, i just let it go.

A colleague’s wedding came a week after raya holiday. I wanted, think about going with you, even if its not just with the two of us, im okay with it. As long as i can spend some time with you. But it didnt happen. Instead i went with someone else, cos i dont want to go alone at night to a nearby state, and second, someone asked me to go along. So, why not? I tell myself.

The bombshell dropped as i see you along with a few friends at the wedding. I think that if im not emotionally unstable at that time, id be fine. But it happen at the wrong time for me, so my mind just went blank when i saw you. I thought you didnt go. I dont know why i was so disappointed and sad at that time, but i just did.

Tried vainly to control my overpouring emotions at that time, but i lost it. So i cried, piteously, in the bathroom for quite some time. I had my final straw after holding my emotions for a a couple of weeks. It was a terrible night for me. I tried my hardest to go through the night as calmly as i could, but i think to no avail. A friend, or two, confessed that they noticed something is wrong with me.

You know the lightheaded feeling? Like anytime you’d faint and you mind go blank. I had it after that. The day after. I woke up feeling a bit calmer after spending the whole night/morning crying like hell. But my tales wasnt about to end and i received msgs from a friend that really makes my heart feel like it is being twisted my needles slowly. I keep wondering at that time what did i do wrong.

When i finally i didnt know what else to do, i prayed. Very hard. It was after Maghrib prayers. You know what, right after i open my telekung, i received a phone call that clears the misunderstanding that happens earlier. I thanked God for listening to my wish and clears it off quickly. At least one problem is solved. I’d like to think that things started to get better after that.

But until now, its unlike our previous relationships. Its like you have changed. I think i know the reasons. Things went on as usual with us but only on the surface. I feel like go to you and asked you many things, just to clear up my thoughts, to know what you are thinking, what actually happened. But i never have the guts to do so. Oh i can be brave at the unimportant things; but when it comes to you, i just lost all my strength.

You confessed a few days after the wedding that you deliberately didnt tell me that you’re going too cos u want me to spend some ‘quality’ time with a friend. Okay, i can understand that. But i also realise that by doing it, you are pushing me away from you. Its like you dont want me. Its like i am a nobody to you that you can just make up some plan to get rid of me. Am i a nuisance? I tried very hard to be the one that you want. Am i not enough?

Maybe i am wrong in trying to change a bit about myself. But relationships were supposed to be about compromise. If you didnt compromise, that you’d have the shortest relationships in history. Wanting others to accept you meaning you have to accept the other person. And its not like i changed a lot. I am still me, you cant force me to like watching football with you! But i dont mind accompanying you watching it while i filled my time reading, like i did when you and your friends were lepaking at a restaurant to watch football.

Ahh, there is so many things i want to say to you. But i didnt. It funny how people around me commenting about me and you, some are positive, others are not. I dont mind, really. i accept them both. Funny in a way that i never really say anything about it ya. I just keep everything bottled up inside cos, i dont know, i feel that its just between you and me and i dont want others to know. Some may know something but not the whole thing. I never told anyone the whole thing. Some things i kept inside cos its so special sometimes, that its just have to be kept between us.

Oh, im glad that your mother liked the book i gave her. It was a coincidence. The gift i mean. I didnt plan it. It just happen. I bought more book than i bargain for. So why not share the book with someone who needs it? And i know she likes to read cos you’ve msg me the very first day of her fall that you were bringing books for her to read at the hospital. I didnt plan to use her to get to you. That’s dirty. I dont play games. Maybe you are (as you’ve confessed) but i dont. My heart is to fragile to withtand any setdowns from you.

The first time we went out together for a futsal game, i looked at you differently than previous times. its like you’re a different person. Its like i cant trust you, its like i dont know you, its like i am afraid of you. But weirdly enough, i cant get rid of the feelings i have for you. Stupid huh?!

No matter how hard i tried to resist this feeling, its just there. I wonder whether its meant to be. But while waiting for the answers to reveal itself, i am still in wonder.